NumbNumbNumb

now playing: Breakeven..
cause when a heart breaks,no it dont breakeven, even..no

I said I'm numb but I still have feelings :( I think I'm sick, I'm having a mental breakdown again..I wish I could shut down my mind for a week..to spare myself from one week's heartache
I shouldnt be studying but I didnt..the least I could do that benefit myself is go to sleep earlier, but still I didn't. I think it has become a habit, staying up till late night, my friends are all wondering what am I doing. I wondered too. I don't even love myself enough to stay health anymore. I shouldn't be doing this.

I just saw a tweet from him about her, I assumed..but I know I couldn't be wrong..I knew my guess wouldn't be wrong..there's no other explaination to that tweet.. Why....I don't remember you ever tweeted about me last time :( oh wait, there was...it was something bad when you hate me. I'm such a failure. I wanna close my eyes and swallow myself up so I don't have to go through all these now. Others would say I'm stupid cause I'm the one putting myself through it, I could have walk away..

I'm struggling through everyday but nevermind, I'll still pray that one day I'll find him back..maybe or maybe not..

I have a lot of fears in life. They say life is about chasing your fears away. I guess I did some recently. Learning to speak up though I did it at the wrong timing now, but still I learnt to do it. I learnt to light up a match, this one I'm pretty proud of myself. Cause I'm remember this is what's keeping me from lighting up a Bunsen burner in early year of secondary school life, only until now I'm 20 years old, I'd finally know how to do it. Well done, good job. Keep up the courage to try new things. I said to myself.

I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing..just pray to God... our heavenly father, I pray that.............in the name of Jesus I pray, Amen.

WHY

why wont you come back anymore !!! no matter how hard I try.. arghhh.. I dont have a place of my own anymore to let out my feelings..it should be safe here.. facebook too crowded..twitter he's there, i cannot say much..

Im so disappointed..Im so frustrated..I should be studying Biology but I lost my mood suddenly..Skyscraper from mixfm now...good..sad enough..I love torturing myself with sad songs..I love suffering..

What would it take...i really want to know...If only I knew what would it take, it wouldn't be this hard..

lost

I looked back at my previous posts in 2009 and 2010..it's funny howI was always posting silly things. Now all I post about is just sad things. I lost my source of happiness only after it's gone. Now it's too late..he told me to find happiness in other place cause he's not giving me anymore, there is another girl he has to give it too..the one whose heart he treasures dearly and who is just different.

I miss him.. I want to find him back.. Will that day ever come.. please let it come

Should I quit trying?

It'll be the 3rd month in the end of this month. I dont know how long would this drag or should I say what Im hoping for most likely won't happen. I dont know.. What would it be like after 6months..half year is not a short time for me..

I still don't understand.. I thought I belong there with you. You killed my future dreams. Self-destructing, so self-destructing..I don't care about that. You activated self-destructive mode. Sorry? I won't take it. Unless if it's sorry let's fix everything together.

I thought I'm the only one you'd treat like that but seems like not so now. You would treat anyone you like the same or even more than what you ever gave me. I thought I'm irreplaceable. How can I drag you back? Everything I did and still doing now is not helping at all. You're the kind that when u fall for someone u'll hard and you can't see anything else..including me no matter how hard Im trying.

Go on and think about her..you're probably doing it now too.."wonder if ure having a good time thre" Why wonder? She's at some place busying and you cant text her?

There's a lot of things that I don't understand or is it that I don't want to understand. I have no idea about that. I hope one day I'll fall sick, a high fever or whatever and forget everything if it's destined that everything will remain like that.

Do you really don't remember? Or is it what we had before mean nothing much to you? You don't feel a thing when you recall all those? just pain only? The past is the past, no point looking back. But no, things dont go like that for me. I want something in the past to be brought into present and future. U crushed my evey hope now. What is it? A revenge you want, say it...do whatever you want, just don't move on.

another day like the day before

I have been going on and on like that for 2 months and 6 days. What a pathetic life. Move on? My friends told me to, he told me to, I thought of it too but if I do, there goes everything, there won't be any turning back anymore :( He said he moved on, but why does he have to do that? I thought we would keep on trying and trying but why did he have to walk away? Because of that girl? Why? I had always hated people asking me "Why" questions. Now I can't stop asking these myself. Why do you want me to explore other people? I thought I could latch onto you this life haha..aaaaaaargghh!!!!

I still remember that day, 1st of January 2012. That's not so good a way to celebrate the first day of a brand new year. I asked him "Do you love her more than me?" He nodded his head to the question, my heart breaks. I wonder why wouldn't I cry at that exact moment but when everytime when Im thinking back about it myself, I would.

She sings "Nevermind I'll find someone like you, I wish nothing but the best for you too, Dont forget me I beg, I remembered you said something it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead" Do I really have to find someone like you? Why can't it be you from the beginning to the end? He said there's no fairy tale in reality..but he was the one who put me in a fairy tale in the first place now to him, everything that happened was just a mistake. I thought Im loved all these times. I wont wish for that, I'm selfish, I'll only wish myself to be with you. Dont forget, yes I'm begging for that too. Can we not hurt, but last instead, please?

please remember me once more, I'm still here.

hahaha

2months... 28 november 2011 i remember, u started to walk away. I thought you would be back. We had this before in june but it lasted only for 2weeks. Why wouldnt it be ok this time? I dont understand. Im still me, why did you have to change? Im still hoping. Why no message from u? I close my eyes and wait. When I open them, still no... WHY?

I dont know how long i can endure this..haha. I thought i would be okay. I kind of get the idea now cause previously i kept blaming myself for doing all those mistakes, but now i start to have the thought that my mistakes might not be that unforgiveable, might not be...it's just that you changed. That would give me no reason to go on like this. I dont want, I said i would wait. Im scared by myself cause the thought of giving up flashed through my mind, that's not something I want. Im afraid I cant do what i've said, I really dont want to give up. *sniff sniff*

He said I'll have to see him getting closer and closer to her..I guess he's right :( why isn't there anything I can do. I wonder was he ever terrified to find out that he's changing, well I am!!!!!

"..........................I cant say anything about it now..." You cant say anything to me? You used to say everything to me. What is it now? You would say everything to her now? She's your responsiblity now? and Im just a burden..since when Im something like that to you? Or am I all the times just that I dont realize?
You never realize anything because you said you're not a mind reader. Im sorry I really didnt know how to tell everything. I'm not a good girl.

it's all my fault

i've ruined everything between us. im sorry for all the stupid things i did. i dont know what else can i do, u said there's nothing i can do now. i hope there's something i can do to save this. im so sorry. if it's possible that things will be ok back, i shall try my best, i shouldnt have hesitate in showing my feelings. i guess im just shy, i dont want to open up to anyone, and now i regret for being so passive. i wish..i wish i were bravier. i never knew that taking babysteps will make things look retarded to u. 5 days to christmas, i doubt this year's christmas will be good. it'll probably be the worst christmas for me. i know it would be a good one for u. i wish im the reason that ure happy. i wish everything will be ok by christmas, but still im afraid it'll just remained as a wish ungranted because i havent been good all these times, Santa doesnt like naughty kids. and after christmas, there'll be new year, i guess it will be a sad new year too, a bad beginning to a new year. but who can i blame other than myself. i wish everything will be ok soon, i wish to have a nice sleep every night and wake up happily every morning. i wish i wish i wish..i pray that everything will be alright.. is it going to be fine if i pray hard enough every night? im sorry...