What had happened to the long lost Michelle?

I'd totally forgotten about my blog until that day a lecturer mentioned about blogs in our class. So, I came back here to have a look and surprisingly my last post was in Sept 2012. I haven't been blogging for more than a year. There's a lot of things that happen between that day and now..a lot of life experiences which may not sound fancy to others, but to me, it's all precious.

Well, let's see.. 2013.. I was enrolled in the National Service with two of my friends..omg, we're so old in there as there's an age gap of 3 years between us and the current batch of wira and wirawati. However, thankfully that we can almost say that no one knows about our age unless we tell them..haha.. :)

Being in there was both torturing and fun..but there's a lot of activities that should be enjoyed by us but sadly they were cancelled due to the terrorism activities that were prone to happen in our area. I missed my chance to play flying fox :(

3 months passed by very fast at there as our camp is based in Sandakan so it's quite convenient when we wanna see our family or vice versa. Friends <3 a="" and="" br="" cute="" guy="" him="" his="" i="" insisted="" memories="" nbsp="" out="" photos="" re="" smile="" taking="" teeth="" that="" to="" together..hahaha..ahh="" we="" when="">
After finishing our NS, I decided to go for a job to gain experience. I got one as I wished, my boss lady is super nice :) just like a typical mum haha and I have nice colleagues too, there're two of them who can speak Chinese :) I've spent 5 months, hmmm almost 6 months at there with them. Actually, I could have left for studies in May but I was feeling guilty to reject the job offer as she say she'd decided to hire me. I felt bad so I stayed.

I'd always inbox him in Facebook every night but at the Malay Puasa Period, I decided to make a change, I stopped that habit and yup until today I never inbox him anymore :(

Later in Oct 2013, I went to KL with mum and aunt, for shopping hahaa.. but shopping wasn't the main purpose that we're there. We came as I've decided to study in Nilai U. This place makes me cry as I opened the door to my room, I was devastated by the sight of two lizards in there!!!! I really dislike living with lizards :( My mum was so nice, she even helped me to clean up my room. Actually, I felt like crying too when they had to leave me, I'd always have that feeling of being abandoned when people leave me behind.

I had little friends.. Sometimes I ate alone as I didn't want to trouble my friend for asking her to eat with me all the time. Yup, I definitely felt quite lonely at there..it's all in the silence. Never had I ever knew that university life for me could be this dull as opposed to what I saw on my friends' photos in Facebook all the time. I guess maybe I'm a bit introvert :/

Time went by, I knew a few friends but I wasn't that close to them, it's not like I can really depend on them. Until now, I'll still feel like yeahhh they don't really wanna be with me sometimes, am I really that bad?

Then, later there was this one guy who wanted to be friend with me. We chatted a lot in Facebook at first, then this was brought to Whatsapp. Something seems to surface on the later days, I suspected that he likes me, then it turned out to be true. Overall, should be a nice guy, the only drawback is that I was born in 1992 and he was born in 1995, see the difference? Things were taken to a higher level when we kept in touch more often and as it all continued to progress and walaaa~ today I am already his girlfriend.

Sometimes the little things that he did, I'm a bit impressed although they're only little little things such as him removing all the plates left behind by someone else because we want to take that table. :) watching out for little crawling creatures such as cockroaches when we have our walks at night time. Sometimes I do feel like he's kind of a nice guy but to be true I'm not convinced by what I'm feeling too :/ i doubt my own feelings ALL THE TIME. It's glad to know that someone's there for you.. and I hope that I'm not selfish and that I can be the someone that'll be there for him too when he needs someone.

:/ but sometimes I still think of his name LJW? I'm not sure why does this happen. :(

Gotta go..

that one last day of him in Malaysia, 28th. I asked him to take note of the day, this exact day for last year's November something i found unhappy happened. He said what's special about the day? I told him before earlier this year about this day..i said im sad when i look at the day, then now in september's that day, he cant remember what it's about already.

He arrived safely, i saw tweets, check-in, status. My inbox remained empty. So, i told myself to wait. Then today it's mooncake festival, i inboxed him wishing happy mooncake festival, he hadnt replied but i saw there's a new tweet in his twitter page.

I wonder how i used to meant so much to him but now i am nothing. Maybe i made him feel like nothing, so this is the punishment im getting now. I still expect him to care and i expect him to reply and to tell me things about himself, im selfish.. to expect or not to expect, either way i feel depressed. So what should i do? to forget? sometimes memories still appear in my head, i wanted to cry so badly when i remembered those memories.. i wanted to tell my friend that i wanted to cry n cry n cry, but no, how could i go on telling others about that? shouldnt i be ashamed of myself..

and he told me 3months later, that number will be gone..zeroonesixthreesixsevensixtwooneone. he got that number for me(or christine, like who he said i am) that's the only thing left you have of him, now it's going to disappear soon too. i feel so sad. im not gonna see your name appearing on myphone anymore, and i cant ever wait for your reply too, there'll never be late reply or no-reply from him. it's all gone. what's left now?

and i thought i could focus more on my studies, but i kept on switching on and off the computer to check whether someone inboxed me. i have no choice, if i want to hear from you, this might be the only way to do so. i think im drowning again, im losing my study mood. if i tell you, would u care about it? :( or i shouldnt? cause it's a trouble to u. after all, u said my happiness is not your responsibility anymore.

every now and then, i cant stop wondering how wrong were i in the past. i still wish i have the chance to turn back the hands of clock. u said u wanted to latch onto me, but now where are u? cant i say that back to u? everything's too late..

what are you doing now..i shall try to study just like u said i should study well n stay healthy. why do i feel like crying when i see that? happy mooncake festival to u and goodnite.. i said dont say goodbye to me :(

I shouldn't

I shouldn't have let you wait,
I shouldn't have act like I never care,
I shouldn't have let chances slip away,
I shouldn't have hide my feelings,
I shouldn't have take you for granted,
I shouldn't have believe that there's always next time,
I shouldn't have suppress my feelings,
I shouldn't have let my temper control me,
I shouldn't have make you feel sad,
I shouldn't have make you feel disappointed,
I shouldn't be aware of what you're tweeting now,
I shouldn't be concerned about what you're thinking now,
I shouldn't be your burden,
I should have left, but please can I don't go?
I hope I can stay.
I wish I could turn back time.
Sorry.

half dead

been living like this for half year..i still miss......twitter, a place that I can stalk.. says Cant wait for hols, gonna teach someone manual driving again xD ... so happy? you know what..long time ago, when you've just got your license, i thought you're the one who's going to teach me..sadly I spent my first lesson with a few other friends, I told you..that this is not what i want it to be. You gave no response...i wonder whhy..now i know, you have someone else to teach.. my heart doesnt feel well now.

ah

today during MdmLYH's math lesson, I said why you like that say me cause she said I copy answers also slow. Then lcp said she hurt me and she cannot hurt me cause he would hit her. Last year I heard things like that from people too, I was happy to know that everybody knows you would stick up for me. But now, I feel....when I heard that, I kept quiet, watdatlou say my lips will turn white. Did I? I could have....I really wish you would stand up for me..argh. he doesnt know you've changed....

tiring..physically and emotionally

now playing: AlexGoot - Apologize
I need you like a heart needs a beat

first day of sports..killing me already..first time ever getting involved in running chores for teachers..all these running up and down make my leg tired and it hurts a bit. funny how I dont even know how to jump over the rail..I'd still rather to go the other way round though it'll take a longer time. first attempt, nearly hurt my... second attempt, knocked my back... third attempt, nearly sprained my thigh. Am I old or am I born not to do this kind of action. Such an easy action, still can't do...I'm useless.

3000m tomorrow, hopefully can finish it. 30minutes only, you'll only feel humiliated for that 30minutes, dont be afraid, 30 minutes is just a short period of time

read your tweets..it's funny how the best conversations come before we sleep xD ? that's not me right..I dont remember any hahas from you last night.. why.. from what I've seen so far in these 3 months, I have a bad feeling that you're going deeper and deeper into it, I don't know how to pull you back. I'm tired but I still wanna try. maybe I don't have any thing better to do? and I like to get myself into trouble? tweet, tweet more about her so I can know and I can feel sad again..I love this feeling.. lies lies lies.. THIS IS SO DEPRESSING !!!!!

how did you change? Did I push you to it......

NumbNumbNumb

now playing: Breakeven..
cause when a heart breaks,no it dont breakeven, even..no

I said I'm numb but I still have feelings :( I think I'm sick, I'm having a mental breakdown again..I wish I could shut down my mind for a week..to spare myself from one week's heartache
I shouldnt be studying but I didnt..the least I could do that benefit myself is go to sleep earlier, but still I didn't. I think it has become a habit, staying up till late night, my friends are all wondering what am I doing. I wondered too. I don't even love myself enough to stay health anymore. I shouldn't be doing this.

I just saw a tweet from him about her, I assumed..but I know I couldn't be wrong..I knew my guess wouldn't be wrong..there's no other explaination to that tweet.. Why....I don't remember you ever tweeted about me last time :( oh wait, there was...it was something bad when you hate me. I'm such a failure. I wanna close my eyes and swallow myself up so I don't have to go through all these now. Others would say I'm stupid cause I'm the one putting myself through it, I could have walk away..

I'm struggling through everyday but nevermind, I'll still pray that one day I'll find him back..maybe or maybe not..

I have a lot of fears in life. They say life is about chasing your fears away. I guess I did some recently. Learning to speak up though I did it at the wrong timing now, but still I learnt to do it. I learnt to light up a match, this one I'm pretty proud of myself. Cause I'm remember this is what's keeping me from lighting up a Bunsen burner in early year of secondary school life, only until now I'm 20 years old, I'd finally know how to do it. Well done, good job. Keep up the courage to try new things. I said to myself.

I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing..just pray to God... our heavenly father, I pray that.............in the name of Jesus I pray, Amen.